Sunday, February 11, 2007
I'm nt ready depression.. ( o results and my current screwed up life )
I'm jus nt ready for depression this time round..
oh wells.
happy stuff first..
i got 14pts for o's!
wells.. i sorta wanted 13 badly.. but..
oh wells.. at least 14 is still quite average..
on fri..
out of 19 ppl..
only 7 turned up in my class!
haha.. the form teacher was like laughing la..
haha..
attendance so so pathetic..
anws..
left sch at 11 n headed to play badminton at serangoon central..
wit xavier ( who pon sch tt day ) n colin..
singles marathon..
after tt.. we finished at 1.30.. headed to xavier's hse to shower n change..
then.. we knew we were supposed to be at sch by 2! gdness.. we rushed.. n.. we arrived at 2.45..
haha..
then.. they were close to finishing the briefing on jae.. so.. i dun really know how to apply..
haha..
oh wells.. shouldnt be too hard..
anws.. then came the moment of truth..
n.. yupp.. 14 pts for me.. i was real anxious n scared.. n thank god for his help..
hmmm.. headed to central with colin, lucas, brain, n xavier after tt..
while dino left halfway looking real pissed n sad.. prob cos he didnt do well..
anws.. drank the usual dung.. n headed to macs..
crapped.. rested.. so on..
n went to play soccer with colin.. n xavier.. with some of colin's frens..
the terrain was real sandy n rocky..
but.. it worked out.. i sorta like my new class jersey though..
only prob.. the key label.. which is.. the class im in.. is missing.. haha..
headed to chomp chomp to eat... a rather gd dinner.. n back to colin's hse where i had an unplanned stayover..
we were suppose to watch a movie..
then.. we did.. nacho libre..
then they wanted a second one..
n so.. we did.. watched the covenant..
well... i didnt really watch.. i was half asleep throughout the movie.
woke up at various times staring blankly into the screen wondering wad was gg on..
haha.. i headed to bathe after the movie.. n when i came out..
they( colin, xavier, n colin's sis ) wanted to play risk..
well.. so i joined.. it was alr 2+ though..
my first time playing..
haha.. i anyhow placed my soldiers..
n well.. most had only one..
haha. n the best..
was my ability of six..
an army of 8 tried conquering my army of 1..
n only managed to do so on the 4th or 5th attempt.. hah..
after tt.. everyone was afraid to take over me.. haha..
but this luck thing lasted nt long..
only till i got tired again..
i started rolling 1, 2 and 3's.. haha..
for like 5 consecutive throws..
i was tired.. so.. i lied down everytime it wasnt my turn..
n.. the next thing i knew.. i heard xavier n colin talking..
it was alr 7.. haha..
i slept..
n they jus woke up.. they played till 5.. while i retired at 4.. haha..
they told me they stole all my territory.. cos there was no one manning it.. hah..
they tried to wake me up.. but.. haha.. they couldnt.. i was sleeping heavily..
heh.. tt was a fun day..
but wells..
it all wasnt tt well.. i guess..
last night..
surprisingly..
i dreamt abt her in my dream..
n gdness.. tt dream was so weird n real..
i woke up in a shock..
it went like this...... ( its gonna be crappy.. )
~someone told me.. tt.. if i went back to the past..
this girl would like me..
n.. ha.. i agreed.. he told me tt.. the con would be studying for o's n going thru the trauma again..
still.. i agreed..
n.. things happened.. i told the girl i like her..
n she said she had sth for me..
n the next thing i knew..
i was in panic.. in shock..
like.. sth was wrong..
i cant explain wad happened..
n i cant really rmb..
n.. zap.. i was back at reality..
half thanking god it was real.. n half cursing abt the stupid dream which gives me sth like false hopes.. n a sense of stupidity..
sighs.. but.. it was a somewhat.. gd dream? sighs.. im confused..
i dunno whether i still hav feelings for her..
its like.. the more someone pushes u away..
the desire sorta gets stronger..
yr grip gets tighter..
it sucks..
anws..
here's wad im feeling nw..
this is a little sth i wrote a long time ago n posted on my blog.. guess it still reflects me.. ( after reading i cant believe i wrote it.. ha.. )
i edited quite a lot of it though.. if only i was brain.. who is someone like a walking dictionary..
here:
She mesmerizes me still.
Her smiles and her laughs.
Everything she does is beautiful.
Everything she does is right.
Simply brightening my day and my life.
I realized what life was at that moment.
To have that special someone always by your side, pushing you on.
I pictured her being dressed to the nines, capturing everyone's attention and making every guy's dream come true.
That's just a thought, though I wish it was real.
Making me lost for words and heart beating at a different pace, it felt like my life has came and gone, my heartbeat faster and faster.
The tension was increasing as i approached her, heart beating faster then the spraying of a machine gun.
Why?
Because I needed her so.
She's the one who makes my world go round, she's my lucky charm, she's everything.
I slowly tailed her from behind.
Making sure she does not notice me, because she was irritated by my disability to understand how she feels about me.
But, I've known her for a while and all of these seem only to be summarised to one thing, I was in love.
How could i have been so oblivious of this at first?
That doesn't matter now.
For she always hints her discomfort of me continuosly pursuing this shattered dream.
I could feel tears cascading down my cheek.
There was a fear in me.
A fear to be tossed aside, fearing this rejection.
But i had to bring myself to do it, I just had to!
All my past experiences seem to subside and now, it was only me, and her.
Once again i saw her never-forgotten smile, it was, lovely.
What was I to do now?
If i were not to be voicing my feelings out again, would i not lose out?
Or would I probably be committing suicide?
I just needed a little more than myself this time.
For my life was still a jigsaw puzzle far from complete.
It was a wreck, just a mess.
But yet the missing pieces refuses to be framed.
I zapped myself back to this reality,
Not forgetting that my friends are always there.
Always making things easier to bear.
Plucked my courage and thought to myself, this.. is life..
I had to face facts,
Stop living in the clouds and perceiving things will always work out.
But I could not,
The feeling of false hope thrilled me.
Moving on is an option,
But darkness only lurks from where I see things.
I could not rid this feeling of depression and an unseen hurt I am currently suffering from.
Her smiles are what soothes the wounds.
whew.. im done..
i think.. it sounds..
worthy of literary merit..
oh wells.. maybe this is an exaggeration from how im feeling nw..
but.. at least u get the gist..
hmmm..
i'm still confused nw..
n there's so much on my mind..
its valentine's tmr.. i really hope it'll be a happy one..
an apple a day, keeps the doctor away
11:45 PM
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take a bite here!
